The following post is a satire, written from the perspective of an overzealous Calvinist.
This post is part of a series on the New Calvinist Bible (NCB) – a new Bible translation designed to show Calvinism in all its glory. Click here to start at the beginning of the series.
Matthew 11 is another chapter of the Bible in which some people seem to miss the Calvinism which is so obviously there. To help them along, the NCB translates this chapter to make the Calvinism as clear as possible, so that everyone will be able to see it (unless God has determined for them not to see it).
Matthew 11:20-30 Then he began to denounce the cities where most of his mighty works had been done, because they
did not repent had not been elected. “Woe to you, Chorazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the mighty works done in you had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes it wouldn’t have made any difference because they were not elected and therefore were unable to come to repentance. But I tell you, it will be more bearable on the day of judgment for Tyre and Sidon than for you. And you, Capernaum, will you be exalted to heaven? You will be brought down to Hades. For if the mighty works done in you had been done in Sodom, it would not have remained until this day, because they were not elected and therefore were unable to come to repentance. But I tell you that it will be more tolerable on the day of judgment for the land of Sodom than for you.” At that time Jesus declared, “I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding non-elect and revealed them to little children the elect; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will. All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him, and the Son has chosen to reveal him only to the elect. I will irresistibly cause you to Ccome to me, all you elect, who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. All you non-elect, even those of you who labour and are heavy laden, please move along. There is nothing for you here.”
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