The following post is a satire, written from the perspective of an overzealous Calvinist.
This post is part of a series on the New Calvinist Bible (NCB) – a new Bible translation designed to show Calvinism in all its glory. Click here to start at the beginning of the series.
Another popular book in the Bible for Calvinists is Acts. Here we see how the NCB makes the Calvinism in this book even more plain to see:
Acts 2:21 And it shall come to pass that every elect one who is irresistibly caused to calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.’
Acts 2:36-41 Let all the house of Israel therefore know for certain that God has made him both Lord and Christ, this Jesus whom you crucified.” Now when they heard this they were cut to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, “Brothers, what shall we do?” And Peter said to them, “There is nothing you can do, but if God irresistibly causes you to Rrepent and be baptized every elect one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you elect and for your children provided that they are elect and for all who are far off provided that they are elect, every elect one whom the Lord our God calls to himself.” And with many other words he bore witness and continued to exhort them, saying, “Save yourselves from this crooked generation.” So those who were irresistibly caused to received his word were baptized, and there were added that day about three thousand souls.
Acts 7:51 “You stiff-necked people, uncircumcised in heart and ears, you always resist are passed over by the Holy Spirit as you are not elect. As your fathers did were passed over, so do are you.
Acts 10:34-35 So Peter opened his mouth and said: “Truly I understand that God shows no partiality, but as even though in every nation anyone who fears him and does what is right is acceptable to him, God irresistibly causes specific arbitrarily chosen individuals to do this and all others are not given any opportunity to be able to do this.
Acts 13:46-48 And Paul and Barnabas spoke out boldly, saying, “It was necessary that the word of God be spoken first to you. Since you were given no opportunity other than to thrust it aside and judge yourselves unworthy of eternal life, behold, we are turning to the Gentiles. For so the Lord has commanded us, saying, “‘I have made you a light for the Gentiles, that you may will bring salvation to the ends of the earth elect.’” And when the Gentiles heard this, they began rejoicing and glorifying the word of the Lord, and as many as were appointed to eternal life unconditionally, arbitrarily and individually elected from before the world began were irresistibly caused to believed.
Acts 16:14 (NET) A woman named Lydia, a dealer in purple cloth from the city of Thyatira, a God-fearing woman, listened to us. The Lord opened her heart to respond to what Paul was saying and irresistibly caused her to believe it.
Acts 17:26-31 And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they only elect individuals should seek God, and perhaps definitely feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each elect one of us, but he keeps his distance from the non-elect, for “‘In him we live and move and have our being’; as even some of your own poets have said, “‘For we are indeed his offspring.’ Being then God’s offspring, we ought not to think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone, an image formed by the art and imagination of man. The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent, while simultaneously not giving the non-elect any possibility to obey this command, yet irresistibly causing the elect to obey it, because he has fixed a day on which he will judge the world in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed; and of this he has given assurance to all the elect by raising him from the dead.”
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Click for the next post in the series: Ezekiel